Attention Please! I Have an Announcement!

These last couple of weeks have been filled with excitement. Vaca in Seattle. Eli’s broken leg. I quit my job. Only 2 of my eggplants survived the week we were gone. Fall has arrived.

Wait. Back up a minute. What? I quit my job? When did that happen? Why did that happen? What happened!?!?!? Well, how long do you have? This could take a while. Sit down, relax, and grab a glass of wine. And bring a glass for me, I’m going to need it.

As I eluded in a previous post, I have a bad case of the momma-guilt. I know, I know, this is something that most working momma’s go through. The guilt of leaving the kiddo in the care of others all day. The guilt of feeling like I’m not raising him. The guilt of not spending enough time with him. It’s a never ending list that cycled through my mind, tugged at my heart and constantly whispered in my ear that I should be caring for Eli instead of working.

Yes, it’s true that before I had Eli, I loved my job. I was great at it (I’m still great at it). I loved the people I work with (still love them). And I truly enjoyed spending my days there. But after Eli, it was like a switch was flipped. I just didn’t have the same enthusiasm, the same energy, the same drive to work anymore. After I had Eli, every second of every day was devoted to caring for him. Feeding him. Changing him. Rocking him. Singing to him. And I loved every second of it. Yup, even the sleepless nights when he would seem to cry for no reason. As he’s grown, I love helping him learn new things. What does the puppy say? “Woof woof” he whispers, like it’s a secret. I love rough housing with him, except for the occasional time when I get head bonked on the bridge of my nose. I love to watch as he discovers something new. I love watching him grow into a little boy. I love that everyone loves him and the constant complements we get about how adorable he is. And I love that he’s a little flirt.

I made it a good year and half working, and there were some definite good times, and some pretty bad times. But who doesn’t go through that in their jobs, marriage, life? But the difference is that even during the good times, when I felt that I had accomplished something new at work, connected well with my co-workers or finally mastered a new skill, there was still something missing. And that something was Eli.

Over countless months, many heartbreaking conversations, some bill paying, belt tightening and finance talk, Dad-oo and I came to the conclusion that we could survive on his salary alone. It wouldn’t be easy, and we’d really have to watch our spending, but we could do it.

You would think the decision would be easy after that. But it wasn’t. This is one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make. And even now I’m shocked by how much it has affected me. We still had to consider the future. We’d have to postpone our dreams of buying a new house. Of replacing Dad-oo’s car. Of giving up some retirement savings for a while. A lot of financial sacrifice and a lot of pressure on Dad-oo to be the only solid source of income. And I’d be leaving the people that I spend most of my waking hours with. Some that I’ve known for 8 years.Could I really give all of that up?

And then the fears crept in. Can I be a stay-at-home-mom? Will I be good at it? Will I be bored out of my mind? What if I regret my decision? What if this is a mistake???? So Dad-oo and I did a couple of test runs. A few days alone with Eli while Dad-oo was on the road, or off camping with friends. And it was exhausting. And exhilarating. And I loved it. Yes, I know that 3-4 days in a row is not the same as weeks, months, or years, but it gave me a taste for what was to come.

So we finally made the decision that this was the right thing for us, for our family. But then the timing wasn’t right. Dad-oo had some unpaid time off at work. We had vacation planned. Just little things here and there. So we waited, and waited and made the decision that after we returned from vacation was the right time to do it. And then, of course, life threw us a curve ball, and Eli broke his leg. I was ready to call it quits right then and there. The idea of having to send him to day care with a cast worried me to no end. But I couldn’t just abandon my co-workers, my friends. So I did the right thing. I put on my big girl panties, had a meeting with my boss on Monday and broke the news. And it wasn’t as hard as I had expected. Being a mom herself, she was very understanding, yet sad to see me go. And then we had to break the news to the other two ladies in the office on Tuesday. Boy was that surreal.There were some teary eyes, some chocolate and yes even some wine during lunch. But I can’t even begin to describe how it feels to listen to everyone talk upcoming projects, knowing that I won’t be part of it. Of discussing who will be taking over my responsibilities, who needs to be trained to do what, and how we will break the news to our customers (via an email that was sent out on Wednesday). Surreal I tell you. I haven’t quit a job in 8 years.

So now I’m in a holding pattern. Wrapping up my current projects. Helping out where I can with smaller projects that won’t extend beyond next week. Making sure everything is in order, organized and ready to go for the others to jump in and take over. And it’s sad. Really sad. And really strange to think that I’ll be done in only 5 more days. In just over a week I’ll begin my new job as a stay-at-home-mom with Eli. That my dream then thing I’ve been hoping for and working so hard to obtain for the last year and a half is coming true. And I’m terrified. But in an amazing and fantastic way.

Starting very soon, I will be dedicating one post each week to my transition from a working mom to a stay-at-home-mom. My mistakes, my fears, surprises, joys, frustrations. Everything and anything that comes up. I’m not holding back on this one. And I’ll be a guest blogger on Momversation talking about this very subject! wOOt wOOt!

Tagged as: SAHM, stay-at-home mom